As there are myths about cats hating water, I am going to pretend they are ALWAYS true. Now, I will teach you how to bathe a cat.
Ways to Bathe A CatEdit
Start by super gluing your cat's paws to the ground so he/she can't leave. Then, take a hose, and point it at your cat. Turn the hose on, and water will spray out. Your cat will be soaked. Then, take a bottle of soap, and pour it on your cat. Then, clean your cat off with another spray from the hose. Use superglue remover to free your cat.
Cats bathe with their tongue, right? Well, here's what you can do. Take a plastic tongue, and get it wet. Then, pour soap on it. Get your cat, and began brushing him/her with it. This will clean your cat, and your cat will think it is just another cat grooming it.
There is another way to bathe your cat. Take one drop of water, and put it on your cat. Then, take one drop of soap, (This is assuming you are using liquid soap. Bar soap is not for cats.) and put it on the same spot you applied the water. Congratulations! You cleaned one little spot on your cat! Now, just do that a few hundred more times, and your cat will be clean!
This is a variation of the previous idea. With this, you place two drops of water and soap per area, not just one. It is more efficient in cat cleaning power.
This idea is bad. It is not worthy of this how-to. Move along.
This is the best idea on this guide. Let your cat bathe him/her self! You act as if these creatures are not capable of taking care of themselves. Cats aren't stupid.
This has been written for comical purposes. Please do not try any of the above ideas. I don't know why this is here, so don't ask. GOT IT?!