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I Thought I was Dying

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If we're all going to die someday, it won't really hurt sooner rather than later, could it?

This morning, I couldn't wake up. I was so tired. But my father wouldn't leave me alone...and started messing with my alarm/clock/stereo. I saw him but was too tired to care. It has a little buzzer thing attached to it, so when the alarm goes off, this buzzer thing is under your pillow or in your bed or something so it vibrates and wakes you up.

He turned it on, but I never use it, and I wasn't used to it.

I thought I was dying.

I can't even remember which sound came from which device, but one made a sound like heart monitor, when the heartbeat stops and it starts beeping like crazy. The other sounded like wailing sirens. A combination of so many things:

Me dying, as a fire burns down my home and the firemen rush to save everything.

Someone I know dying, the wails of mourning being warped into sirens.

Anything, anyone, but each sound leading to something mournful or panicking or dark or...scary.

I thought I was dying...

And I wondered, What comes next?

What'll come after this painful snake wrapping itself so tightly around my heart? After it bursts my heart with pressure?

What's after this life?

I thought I was dying...

And after the momentary panic,

I might've been happy.


A/N: This really happened to me this morning. I hate to sound like a wimp, but my father really scared the sh*t out of me. And I've found myself several times having these odd lapses now and then, in which rather than my heart softly pump-pumping inside, I find my heart suddenly feeling like it's about to burst out of my chest, almost as if these pump-pumps suddenly get more aggressive. In these short, 20-second lapses, I find myself almost choking. They scare me a lot, and don't really give much warning, but they're always by themselves. This morning, I was just so tired and wanted to sleep, but my father almost sent me into a panic attack...I don't know. I'm still shaking a bit, and it's almost 9 pm now. But for a second, when I felt like I was dying, I felt elated for just a moment when I thought of the aftermath.

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