You blinked once and stared at the little indicator that shows if she's on or not. A bright green color meets your gaze.
Your hands begin to sweat and your hearts almost jumps out of your chest.
"~YukoIchihara is online~"
Your fingers treble slightly, and you catch a look of yourself in the laptop's monitor. Ghost white and eyes looking as scared as possible, even hidden behind the black frames of your glasses.
This was it.
There was no going back, no turning around.
You'd made your choice.
And you needed to go through with it, or watch as it slowly got worse. You'd barely been able to eat the past few days, just picked through a bag of half empty Doritos listlessly.
Your floor is cluttered with dirty clothes, because you promised yourself that you would do laundry tomorrow.
Three days ago.
Your life had come to a standstill and you didn't know what to do.
No, scratch that. You knew what to do, you were just to chicken to follow through with it.
Every night it was the same:
YukoIchihara: Love you! :3
PrototypeTrickster: Hah, love you too. <3
And yet the light impressions your teeth made on your lower lip stood to testify that all was not well in your heart, in this relationship that you’d managed to sustain for about a month now.
Ping. A single sound interrupted your moping and stopped your heart with its hollow echo through the headphones that were always hanging from your ears in the manner of a kid who expressed himself through music.
Usually a smile would sneak across your face at this sound but today it scared away all remaining traces of happiness.
You clicked on her name, and read:
YukoIchihara: Hey! What's up? :3
PrototypeTrickster: Oh not much. Just chilling, listening to some music.
PrototypeTrickster: Munching on some triangles of cheesy goodness. lol
You nearly had to force the lilt in your messages. Your still shaking, barely able to type correctly. You shake your head to exert some control. It was now or never.
PrototypeTrickster: Actually.... I have to talk to you
YukoIchihara: Sure! You know you can tell me anything! :D
God dammit. This was going to be harder than you thought.
PrototypeTrickster: I don’t really know how to start out this.
YukoIchihara: Is it about us? are you breaking up with me or something?
PrototypeTrickster: I just
PrototypeTrickster: Yeah I
PrototypeTrickster: I am
Tears were running down your face but you couldn’t feel them. You braced yourself for her pain, for the tears you knew you’d be able to see even through text. You braced yourself for rage and anger and a fight and you prepared to lose your best friend because right now, all you felt was regret and shame.
YukoIchihara: am I allowed to ask why?
YukoIchihara: I’ve been pretty happy with you lately. And you’ve seemed happy as well. I wont lie, I don’t really understand right now.
PrototypeTrickster: no its not...
PrototypeTrickster: to use a really bad cliché its not you
PrototypeTrickster: its me
YukoIchihara: …. how so?
PrototypeTrickster: I just cant do this online stuff forever
PrototypeTrickster: were just kids honestly
PrototypeTrickster: I love you so much and
PrototypeTrickster: the other day I just felt so trapped
PrototypeTrickster: I went to school and my friends kept pushing me to ask this girl out and I couldn’t..
PrototypeTrickster: because im with you and
PrototypeTrickster: im sorry
YukoIchihara: I understand.
PrototypeTrickster: I jus--
YukoIchihara: yeah, no I totally get it! I can't say I feel the same but I’m not going to be the girlfriend who throws a fit and cries because she gets dumped.
YukoIchihara: and honestly I should have seen this coming. internet relationships and all.
PrototypeTrickster: I wish there was something I could say to convince you I loved you
And the tears were flowing hot and fast down your cheeks. And you hit the power button on your computer before you could make a fool of yourself even more. You slammed your head down in your hands and you sobbed. If she was there she’d try to console you. But that was the thing. She was all the way in snowing, cold New York . And you were here, lonely and freezing cold in Arizona.
You were sixteen years old. And long distance relationships were painful.
You couldn’t really pinpoint why you felt the need to do this. You just felt trapped and damn if you were going to make her feel the same way over a relationship that would never really amount to anything anyway because it was the internet and on the internet people forgot things really easily. No matter how much you loved the kid, nothing would shrink the distance. You had school, you had your stupid part time job, and so did she. When everything is said and done the internet is a fragile place.
You can’t log out from reality. You can’t go to bed and escape from yourself because that’s what’s real.
You loved her so much it hurt. You loved her so much that you knew this would never work and dragging it on would only lead to more pain. She’d get over it one day. As would you.
And when you’re thirty and you’re happy somewhere you’ll stop and smile at something and it won’t remind you of a certain teenage girl because you dated for a month when you were a idiot teen. Even if you were friends for a year before that.
Everyone eventually forgets.
Time goes on, without a care in the world.
But for now you let yourself feel the pain. You let yourself cry and shake. You let yourself hurt and regret and feel because you didn’t know when you’d begin to forget and you didn’t ever want to forget. But it would happen one day and that’s why you threw yourself straight into the fire. You broke yourself because you knew that’s the only way you would be able to heal.
Some hours later, you’d fallen asleep with your face pressed up against the tearstained keyboard. You didn’t know what time your brother had come in, but when you finally woke up you were in bed under a blanket. And you started crying again. It would be a while before your face dried.
YukoIchihara: I'll never not love you. You're everything to me and I would have done anything to save this. But I respect that you'll be a lot happier without me. /MESSAGE SEND FAILED/