This is a story about a baked treat that had the magical ability to talk. It was a cookie.[1][2] And yes, it could talk. But we'll get to that later. Right now, let's just float out of consciousness...

Sorry, new narrator here. The old one floated out of consciousness, and then went into a nervous breakdown, only to go back to normal, only to hit his head, and go into a second nervous breakdown.[3] Anyways, I'm going to be narrating for the rest of this story. So, where were we? Right! The cookie that could talk! Well, there was a cookie. And it could talk. Normally, cookies do not talk.[4] This cookie could, however. We don't know why it could talk, or how, but it can talk, so don't judge![5]

The cookie just happened to be a chocolate chip cookie. Everyone knows that is the only kind of cookie that isn't stupid.[6] So, it is a chocolate chip cookie, and it has exactly 28 different chocolate chips.[7] The cookie is also very ugly, but that is beside the point.

The story all started when a bunch of people were hungry. In fact, they were so hungry, they ate one of Earth's two moons. That is why we only have one moon now. But that was a long time ago. They kept eating, and eating, and eating, until they realized that eating rocks did not taste good.[8] They decided they were hungry for dessert. So, they baked a cake. But some idiot thought the poison was frosting, and frosted the cake with it.[9]

After about 734,483,689 other failed attempts at making cake (most of them involving explosions), they decided they should make a cookie instead. First they tried to make a biscuit[10][11][12][13][14][15], but the footnote argument from footnotes 10-15 showed them biscuits are the same thing as cookies, so they decided to make a cookie instead.

So, they made this cookie, and they prepared to eat it. But right when they were about to eat it, they realized that there was only enough for one person. They fought over the cookie for three hours before they realized all they had to do was use the cookie multiplier they built last Saturday. They set the cookie multiplier up, but then they heard: "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"

"What? Who said that?"

"I did!"


"I did!"


"I DID!"

"Oh. The cookie said it. Okay."



"That's right. I said it."

"IT'S A TALKING COOKIE! KILL IT!" Everyone in the room just ran. The cookie laughed at these idiots. But then he realized he was alone. About five years later, some guy named Doc broke into the house, and went into the kitchen.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

"Ha! For a second, it sounded like that cookie just talked. But if a cookie could talk, then I'd eat my own arm."

"I can talk."

Doc sighed. "Well, a deal's a deal." He started sucking on his arm while the cookie just laughed at him. After a while, Doc gave up and just gave the cookie $20 to make up for not keeping his end of the deal.[16] Doc then proceeded to rob another house, because the police were coming into this one. When Officer Weirdo saw the cookie, he swiftly grabbed it, and ran.[17]

Officer Weirdo drove way out to the middle of nowhere, and took a bite out of the cookie. Big mistake. The same magic that lets the cookie talk gives the cookie a self destruct ability. The cookie self destructed, and turned Officer Weirdo into a zombie. But he was a stupid zombie, so he just sat on the ground screaming about monkeys for all eternity.

THE END[18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28]


  1. One of these.
  2. No, I do not have any intentions of holding back on footnotes.
  3. Hey, that's what happened to me!
  5. I'll stop judging when you stop telling me what to do.
  6. The highest IQ ever discovered in a cookie was 0.000000001, and it was found in a chocolate chip cookie named Ugly the Cookie.
  7. Strike that. Thanks to me, it now has 22 chocolate chips. Sorry, I like chocolate.
  8. It took them thousands of years to figure this out.
  9. Nobody was harmed, but the idiot that did that was sentenced to seven seconds of community service (which he never actually carried out).
  10. Which, contrary to popular belief, is not just another name for a cookie. In European countries, a biscuit refers to a baked bread-based dessert.
  11. To the previous footnote, THAT'S THE SAME THING AS A COOKIE YOU MORON!
  12. Oh yeah! I forgot! You're stupid.
  13. What was that?
  14. I didn't say anything!
  15. That's what I thought.
  16. It's been too long without a footnote so I'm just going to point out that everyone in this story except the cookie is an idiot. Just like in real life!
  17. Amazing that one cookie can make an officer of the law commit a crime. Well, now you know how to bribe a police officer.
  18. That was a stupid ending. Want a new ending? If so, please see footnote 25.
  19. Insert footnote here.
  20. If you are reading this, I stole your wallet. If you want it back you have to do one of the following:
  21. Ask REALLY nicely.
  22. Beat me up and take it.
  23. See footnote 1000
  24. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY Those are my favorite letters of the alphabet. Notice Z is missing. It is lame.
  25. See footnote 23.
  26. You know, there are better stories than this one. See next footnote for an example.
  27. Once upon a time, the end.
  28. Yes, that story was better. Don't question it.

1000. After Officer Weirdo grabbed the cookie, the other officers arrested him for "theft, and taking the cookie I wanted." Officer Weirdo served three years in jail, while the other officers argued over who got the cookie. When Officer Weirdo got out of jail, came back, took the cookie, and drove out to the middle of nowhere.[1][2] Except this time, he took two bites from the cookie before it self destructed. THE END[3][4]

Footnotes of footnote 1000Edit

  1. By this time, the cookie was so old and dirty, one bite will make you vomit so much, you could drown in it.
  2. Please ignore how disgusting the previous statement is. It's true!
  3. Did you like that ending better?
  4. I didn't think so.

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