Once upon a time, there was a story with the lamest way to open a story ever. It started with "once upon a time". The story I am talking about is this story. It is about three morons who argue over a salt shaker. Yes, it's that dumb. Wait, it gets better. I'd tell you how it gets better, but then you wouldn't read it, and I'd have to go sit in the corner and cry (again).
NOTE: I am too lazy to use real names for this story, so the names of the men are Hungry, Cranky, and Barfy. You don't need to point out this is a rip-off of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, I already know.
"I WANT SALT!" said Hungry.
The end. No, that would be stupid.
"Maybe we don't want to give you any salt!" Cranky screamed.
"I'm going to barf!" Barfy shouted. He ran off, and did not return for the rest of this fantastic story.
"Stupid Barfy," Cranky whined, "always barfing. What does he eat?"
"He eats radioactive waste and sewer leftovers. I'm making myself hungry just by THINKING about it!"
Hungry grabbed the salt shaker, but it was glued to the table.
"PULL HARDER YOU WEAKLING! PULL!"
Hungry pulled so hard, the salt shaker shattered in his hands.
"Hey, I just wanted salt!"
"Too bad!"
"W-what did you just say?" Hungry asked.
"I... I didn't say anything," Cranky said.
"Kill!"
Both of the men screamed, and shot out of their chairs. The spilled salt on the table twisted around, and formed a salt-man... he was only two inches tall.
"I will kill you! I will DESTROY YOU!"
The men stopped.
"You're puny," Hungry said.
The salt-guy started to grow until it was a seven foot tall salt monster.
"We're going to run now."
Both of the men tried to run, but salt shot out at them, and knocked them off of their feet.
"I may just be a condiment, but I can still KILL you!" The salt grabbed them, and pulled them in. It had them at its mercy.
"Wait..." the salt said, "Now that I have you, what exactly can I do with you? I'm just a salt monster, it's not like I can eat you."
"Yeah, maybe you should have thought this through," Cranky said.
"But WE can eat YOU!" Hungry said. And they did. They got forks and knives from who knows where, and held them up like people do when they're about to eat something in a movie. Then, since you don't need forks and knives to eat salt, they threw their silverware. They dived at the salt, and ate it.
"WE DID IT!" Hungry said.
"Shut up."
"Yes sir."
They had beat the salt.
But several years later, the three men met a similar incident. I like to call it "Three Men and a Pepper Shaker". I could rewrite it, but I'm too lazy. Instead, just go through the story, and every time you see the word "salt", switch it with "pepper".